Me alone? NEVER! or so I thought...

I don't know about you but I dreaded being alone! I wouldn't go out by myself, I always had to have someone to talk to and to be around. I was never part of a group of friends but I had my one on one friendships. When people would tell me I had to get used to being alone and be happy I thought it was impossible! Then college came and I commuted back and forth so making friends was a lot harder than I thought. I live in New Jersey and went to a college in New York so I didn't stay connected to anyone from High school really. I had acquaintances in college and met some really awesome people but they never turned into friendships because I didn't have the time to hangout in between work, internships, Church, homework.... Now I had two choices; either be depressed and unhappy through my 4 years in college or just be happy no matter the circumstances. Sometimes we believe happiness is in the future but it really isn´t, its not somewhere else, its available right inside of you, all the time. it's just a matter of choice.

It wasn't easy, there were days I felt like i was on top of the world but there where other days i felt so alone! There were days I cried out to God because I saw so many people in their groups of friends laughing and making plans or talking about what they had done the night before and i didn't have any of that. I remember walking into church one day and I just kept telling God i needed to feel his presence, I wanted him to embrace me. a couple of minutes later during worship a woman of God came near and hugged me. It wasn't just a hello hug, it was a comforting hug, a hug that said i'm here and I love you. I didn't start crying until she began to tell me I wasn't alone, that there was no reason to feel alone because God was beside me, that God saw what I desired, what I longed for among many other things. She didn't know how I was feeling or what I was going through, but God did. When you think God is the furthest away is when He is actually the closest.

Time passed and I still struggled because I wasn't being the friend that I needed, to myself. I wanted someone else to love and and appreciate me when I wasn't doing it. I used to get so attached to people wanting to help them be better and be a good friend to them that I wasn´t loving myself like I was loving them. Change came when i began to look for ways that I could love myself the way God loved me. What someone else can give you, you already posses inside of you. You want someone to compliment you, you don't have to depend and wait on someone, compliment yourself. It sounds funny and it's not about getting a big head but its about encouraging yourself. God has given you so many things to embrace within yourself before you give to others to embrace! The better you get at being alone the better it will be in a relationship because you can give so much without expecting the other to fill you up with that you just released. You can give love, not because you want someone to love you back or because you want to be needed but because loving is an amazing thing to do that changes lives.

I made a list of things that made me happy such as singing, dancing, going on adventures, riding with the car window down and feeling the fresh air and I would do it as often as possible. Whatever I couldn't do alone before, I challenged myself, I began to go to parks on my own, went shopping alone and little by little I liked spending time alone. It was time that I had to breathe and relax and not have to worry about when the other person wanted to go home or what they want to do but it was all about me. Don't get me wrong, friendships are good but alone time is also good. To this day I still don't have a group I consider friends because i've gotten caught up doing my own thing but i'm happy and I've learned a lot about who I am being alone. I gained more confidence being alone than with someone because doing things alone takes you out of your comfort zone. I know I have to make friends, because its good to have someone you can talk to and laugh with and do things with but it's a balance and I'm working on that. Real friendships take time and commitment.

#Alone #molding #Growth #Frienship #Overcoming